Why Teens Withdraw: What Their Silence is Saying
We've all been there. Your teen comes home and you can immediately tell they've had a bad day. You ask how they are doing, or if they are okay, and they hit you with a blank stare before going up to their room for the remainder of the day. You're left standing there, wanting desperately for them to share with you, but also wanting to respect their boundaries. You are not alone in this experience!
Below we will get into what causes teens to withdraw, explain how to know when it is time to be concerned, and highlight some strategies for encouraging communication at home.
Understanding Adolescent Development
Adolescent development is characterized by a rapid period of growth from the ages of 13 to 18 years old. Not only are their bodies physically changing and filled with hormones, but there are also many hidden processes changing at the same time.
Mentally: Teens become able to think more abstractly, allowing them to begin to set goals and think long-term. This also allows your teen to better understand and care about philosophy and social issues.
Socially: Adolescence is a time of wanting increased independence and recognition of their place in the world. Social capital becomes a huge influence on their decision-making, and you might even see them beginning to express interest in romantic relationships. This helps to explain some of the distancing you might feel from your teen, as they are beginning to lean on their peer relationships for help rather than their parents. Just remember, it's not you!
But Wait… Will They Ever Talk to Me Again?
Don't lose hope! Although these are age appropriate milestones, it doesn't mean they will never rely on you again. Continuing to emphasize that you are there for them, when they need it, can go a lot further than it may seem. A consistently safe and supportive environment allows your teen to utilize their growing advocacy skills and helps them learn to recognize when they need to ask for help.
Here are some other tips for increasing communication with your teen:
Regulate yourself before entering the conversation. Check in with yourself so you are calm and grounded before the conversation. Chances are your teen is already feeling many emotions, so having a calm presence to listen will help encourage more sharing.
Listen, listen, listen. This is maybe the hardest part, but the most important. Don't interrupt, problem-solve, or judge. Try thinking about how you would feel in that situation, or remember what it was like when you were that age. A little empathy can go a long way!
Resist the urge to provide solutions. You can always ask if they want advice or help solving the problem, but try your best to remain in a listening space.
Incorporate other methods of communication. Sometimes, verbally processing isn't the most helpful or effective way for your teen to share. Instead of forcing them to talk it out, try incorporating other methods! Maybe try a shared notes app, let them text you their feelings, or write notes to each other. I've also had clients use a colored sticky note system to communicate their feelings!
When Should I Be Concerned?
Some amount of withdrawal is a normal, expected part of teenage development. But certain signs may point to something more going on beneath the surface. Consider reaching out for additional support if you notice:
Withdrawal that lasts for weeks rather than days, with little to no connection even in small moments
A noticeable drop in grades or a loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy
Changes in sleep, appetite, or hygiene
Increased irritability, sadness, or hopelessness that doesn't seem to lift
Signs of self-harm, or expressions of not wanting to be here
If you're wondering whether your teen's silence might be hiding anxiety or depression, our posts on The Silent Struggles of "Good Kids": Recognizing Hidden Anxiety and Depression and Teen Blues or Something More? Identifying and Tackling Teenage Depression can help you learn what to look for. Trust your gut. You know your teen best, and reaching out for support is always a good option if something feels off.
If withdrawal has become the norm in your home and you're not sure where to start, our post on What is Teen Counseling? walks through what support can look like, and our team is always here to help.
You might also like: When Your Tween or Teen Shuts Down: A Therapist's Guide for Parents and 6 Tips for Handling Your Moody Teen
Elora Renouf, M.Ed., LPC