What Do I Do If My Child Comes Out to Me? A Parent’s Guide to Providing Support
When a child or teen comes out as LGBTQ+, it’s often a significant, emotional moment—for them and for you. Whether this is something you expected or it comes as a complete surprise, how you respond can make a lasting impact.
At Reach Counseling, we know that many parents want to do the right thing, even if they’re not sure what that looks like yet. You might feel confused, overwhelmed, or uncertain about how to support your child. That’s okay. What matters most is that your child knows they are loved and safe with you.
Support from a parent or caregiver is one of the strongest protective factors in a young person’s life. It can dramatically reduce the risk of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts (Ryan et al., 2010).
This guide is here to help you navigate your own emotions, respond with compassion, and build a relationship where your child feels accepted and understood, even if you’re still figuring things out.
Why Parental Support Matters
Even if you’re unsure about how to fully understand or embrace your child’s identity, your presence and support can make a huge difference.
🔹 LGBTQ+ youth with accepting parents are 50% less likely to attempt suicide (Trevor Project, 2023).
🔹 Family acceptance significantly reduces rates of depression and substance use (Ryan et al., 2010).
🔹 Teens who feel supported at home are more likely to thrive socially, emotionally, and academically (Russell & Fish, 2016).
You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to start with love.
How to Respond When Your Child Comes Out
1. Stay Calm and Lead with Love
Your child has likely carried this for a long time. This moment is brave and vulnerable.
✅ Try saying:
• “Thank you for telling me. I love you no matter what.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “I may need time to learn, but I support you.”
🚫 Avoid saying:
• “Are you sure?”
• “This is just a phase.”
• “Why do we need to label things?”
📌 Why it matters: Immediate support lowers emotional distress (Durso & Gates, 2012).
2. Take Time to Process, But Not at Your Child’s Expense
It’s okay to have your own feelings. Many parents do. But your child shouldn’t feel responsible for your emotional response.
🛑 Avoid saying:
• “I need time, so let’s not talk about this.”
• “This is hard for me, too.”
✅ Instead, talk to a therapist, friend, or support group.
📌 Key point: Your child needs to feel supported, not like they need to comfort you.
3. Ask Thoughtful Questions Without Pressure
Be curious, not critical.
✅ Try:
• “How can I support you?”
• “Would you like to talk more about this or just have me listen?”
🚫 Avoid:
• “How do you know?”
• “What if this changes later?”
📌 Why it matters: Affirming identity reduces depression and suicidality (Russell et al., 2018).
Creating a Supportive Home
1. Use Their Name and Pronouns
It might take practice, but it shows your child that their identity matters to you.
🚫 “This is hard for me.”
✅ “I’ll do my best. This matters to you, and you matter to me.”
📌 Youth who have their names and pronouns respected are 71% less likely to experience severe mental distress (Trevor Project, 2023).
2. Educate Yourself
You don’t need to become an expert overnight, but taking initiative shows love.
📚 Resources:
• PFLAG
• This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids by Owens-Reid & Russo
• The Transgender Teen by Brill & Kenney
3. Advocate for Your Child
Even if they feel safe at home, school or community may be more challenging.
✅ Ways to help:
• Talk to teachers or school counselors if needed
• Challenge anti-LGBTQ+ language or behavior
• Encourage connection with affirming peers or mentors
📌 Youth with support at home, school, and in the community have the highest levels of well-being (Kosciw et al., 2020).
What If I’m Struggling to Understand?
This is where many parents start. You are not a bad parent if you’re feeling uncertain. What matters most is that you stay committed to learning, growing, and showing up for your child.
💛 Consider therapy for yourself or as a family
💛 Connect with support groups for parents
💛 Let your child know you’re willing to keep the conversation going
Your Love Makes the Difference
Your child’s coming out doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. But it does mean you have a powerful role to play in their well-being.
At Reach Counseling, we’re here to support families, no matter where you’re starting from. Whether you’re feeling ready or wrestling with questions, you’re not alone. We’re here to help.
