Helping Your Tween Navigate Friendship Challenges
If you’re the parent of a tween, you already know this age is full of change. One moment they’re playing tag at recess, and the next they’re navigating the complicated world of social dynamics, cliques, group chats, and shifting friendships. It can be heartbreaking to watch your child struggle with friendship issues, especially when they feel confused, excluded, or hurt.
So what can you do as a parent? How do you guide them without stepping in too much, or too little? This post is here to help. We'll explore why friendships at this age are tricky, how to support your child through ups and downs, and when (and how) to intervene if needed.
Why Friendships Get Complicated in the Tween Years
Friendships in elementary school are often about shared play, similar interests, and easily creating bonds with their peers. But as kids approach middle school, things begin to shift due to developmental changes. Around ages 9–12, tweens begin:
Developing a stronger sense of identity and belonging
Becoming more aware of social status, popularity, and where they fit in
Testing boundaries and forming their own opinions
Seeking independence from parents
Navigating increased emotional sensitivity
This perfect storm of developmental changes can lead to misunderstandings, exclusion, jealousy, and conflict—all of which can feel very big to a tween.
Common Friendship Struggles Tweens Face
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Whether it’s not being invited to a birthday party or left out of a group chat, exclusion hurts. And in today’s digital world, tweens often see what they’re missing in real time, amplifying the sting of rejection.
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Best friends may drift apart or suddenly stop talking. Sometimes it’s over a specific argument; other times, it’s a slow fade. Either way, this can often lead to a big influx of emotions.
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Tweens might feel pressure to act a certain way to “fit in,” or they may stay quiet when they see something unkind happening just to keep their spot in the group, even if it goes against their values and morals.
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Friendships can turn rocky when jealousy sets in—over a new friend, academic performance, sports achievements, or attention from peers.
What You Can Do: A Parent’s Role
While you can’t control your child’s social life, you can offer guidance and create a safe emotional space at home to encourage sharing and processing their feelings. Here’s how:
Listen Without Jumping In
When your child comes to you upset, the first step is to really listen. This validates their experience and gives them room to process without feeling rushed or misunderstood. Try to avoid solving the problem right away or minimizing their feelings. Instead, try things like:
“That’s just part of growing up” ➝ “That sounds really hard. Want to tell me about it?”
“Don’t worry about it” ➝ “I can tell that really hurt your feelings”
Help Them Name Their Feelings
Even though tweens can have a lot to say, developmentally they are still strengthening their emotional vocabulary. Labeling feelings helps kids manage them more effectively—and communicate them to others. Encourage them to go beyond mad or sad, and offer more nuanced suggestions like:
✦ Left out or isolated ✦ Jealous ✦ Lonely
✦ Embarrassed ✦ Confused ✦ Disappointed
Teach (and Model) Healthy Communication
Role-play how to express feelings assertively but kindly. For example, have your tween try using statements such as “I felt left out when I saw pictures of the sleepover. Can we talk about it?”. Maybe even try to model this kind of respectful communication in your own relationships too! After all, kids are always watching.
Reframe the Situation
Tweens often see social situations in black and white. Help them consider other perspectives by offering suggestions such as:
↪ “Is it possible your friend didn’t mean to exclude you?”
↪ “Could there be a misunderstanding?”
↪ “Do you think there’s something else going on in their life right now?”
This doesn’t excuse bad behavior but helps your child approach conflict with empathy.
Encourage a Variety of Friendships
Help your tween diversify their social circle so their emotional world isn’t tied to just one or two people. Encourage friendships through sports, clubs, theater, special interest groups, or whatever sparks their interest.
This also makes social setbacks feel less devastating, because they’re not relying on one single relationship for their sense of belonging.
Remind Them It’s Okay for Friendships to Change
One of the hardest lessons of growing up is that not all friendships last. Sometimes kids grow apart, and that’s normal! Help your tween understand that it's okay to outgrow people, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with them or the other person.
You can try saying things like:
“People change, and sometimes friendships do too.”
“You’re learning what kind of people feel good to be around, and that’s an important part of growing up.”
“It’s okay to feel sad about it, and it’s okay to move on.”
When Should You Step In?
Most of the time, your role can be supportive and behind the scenes. However, situations can escalate to the point of requiring adult intervention, such as bullying (both in person and online) or when you notice issues are beginning to affect their mental health or schoolwork. If you’re unsure whether to step in, consult a teacher, school counselor, or even a therapist. They can help assess the situation and guide next steps.
Final Thoughts
The tween years are a social rollercoaster, but having a steady, supportive space at home can make a world of difference. Your calm presence, your listening ear, and your belief in their ability to navigate tricky situations can help your child build resilience, empathy, and confidence. If you would like more support, or want your tween to find a safe space with a therapist, reach out to us today!